So this blog went fierce idle for a fierce long time. Here are a list of reasons why that happened:
1. I moved country and things got very busy in that new country
2. I was getting more and more anxious which was paralysing my writing work
3. By the time I was ready to come back my anxiety was too bad for me to write
4. I also got a Tumblr and… well, stuff got pretty hectic all up over there.
But I’m back now, officially reviving Bank Holiday Tuesday as a blog and a place where I post my thoughts, write stuff and tell you all things that are funny. It’s strange to revive this blog; I’ve actually been up to rather a lot of stuff since I’ve been away. When I was last writing here I was in a very different place and just in my first few months of Aberystwyth. It’s now nearly a year since I moved home for my final year in University in Ireland and I’m making plans to go back to Aberystywyth and take up a job there. I also finally got some much needed help for my anxiety problem. It got pretty bad and dark there for a while and I’m quite stressed with college but medication and lots of support is keeping me stable.
So with all that said, here’s a return blog post, all about how I was supposed to go drinkin’ tonight but got distracted with dorky things. Enjoy!
Today I was supposed to go drinking.
But then I got up late, like super late. My house was empty- older brother moved out last week, younger brother in work, Dad in work, Mam on a trip to Belfast. So I slept late, sue me people who insist that only getting up before 9AM on a freaking Saturday makes you productive. I got determined to do something positive with my day so I cleaned up my room. Like I didn’t just tidy up, man fuck no I pulled all the dusty crap off my shelves and dusted this place the fuck down. Got a big old basin of hot water and went to TOWN. It was AWESOME.
So I cleaned my mirror, my window, got all my little ornaments cleaned and I even threw out a completely destroyed jewellery box I’ve been using since the age of nine. It was really weirdly satisfying to see all this dust that I couldn’t even comprehend getting started on shift underneath my cloth. I was a badass spring cleaning superhero in a floral dress, scrubbing down windowsills and tossing out basins of dirty soapy water.
After that I got down to getting Pathfinder ready. I run a Dungeons and Dragons game for three of my friends and I’m just now getting the hang of running well planned, smoothly organised sessions. I had lots of notes and ideas and they had great fun. We went for three hours and I was flying so high. We were all supposed to be going out drinking after we’d finished up killing some cultists that were chasing them down on a canal barge (I run a weird game). Once the game was over though I knew I couldn’t go out. It was like my energy bar had reached zero. My sub tanks were drained. I was so done. The girls went off for a fun night of drinks and dancing, I stayed in and managed to drag myself up the stairs to get ready for bed, whereupon I found I couldn’t sleep, despite feeling so tired. It’s an emotional tiredness; like I’ve had my dose of doing stuff for today, now I need to zone out to podcasts for a few hours, thnx.
Sometimes I forget that I’m on medication. Sure it’s a low dose and I’m generally functional, but I can’t really grind along the way I used to, eating badly, sleeping badly and running the tank on empty. I need to sleep twice as long to have half the energy and lord help me if I’m not eating well, like I’m not right now. I go from being pretty productive- seeing people, keeping myself clean and fed, getting work done- to just barely functioning on impulse power. Today was a pretty nice realisation that it’s okay to wear down the limited energy I have to get stuff done. My room smells fresh and clean for the first time in ages with all the dust that had built up cleared. The party had a good session and managed to escape with their unconscious prisoner on the back of their horse (yeah it’s a weird game, Pathfinder). I even managed to tuck up and get some work on my zine done. And heck, here’s a blog post too! Wow we are killing it tonight.
So I guess the point of this post is don’t be hard on yourself if, like me, you’ve got a lot of stuff going on in your life. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing okay, it’s alright to do stuff at your pace. Not going Drinkin’ is not a sign of failure.
Niamh ‘Sorry for missing your birthday drinks Ciara’ Keoghan