For those who came in late reviews… The Dark Knight Rises

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERZZZZZZZZZZ

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Seriously, I’m not taking responsibility for this if you get spoiled.  Snape Kills Dumbledore.

BROS

BRO FIST ARRRRGGGHHHH

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I didn’t like the Dark Knight.  THERE I SAID IT.  I thought it was a ponderous, mumbling, gruff, dark, ultra violent mess of incredible vision, scope and talent.  Oh T’was a masterpiece for sure, just not a masterpiece I liked.  I didn’t like that they only had one woman in the cast and killed her off promptly to motivate the dude heroes.  I didn’t like that she just got thrown in as a plot point damsel.  The Joker was unsettling and awesome but so disturbing that it ceased to be entertaining.  It was an amazing performance but there was nothing in that appealed to me.  This opinion basically makes me a pariah at all the nerd parties when Batman comes up and it’s really annoying because many seem to forget that no matter how much one version of a story is lauded and adored and given critical blow jobs, at the end of the day there’s always an element of subjectivity.  It’s okay that the Dark Knight Rises is an ambitious, dark, clever film- I just didn’t like it.  SO WITH THAT IN MIND, what did I think of Dark Knight rises?

The Cotilard Gambit

Christopher Nolan’s pulled the same goddamn trick twice, and it’s what I’m gonna call the ‘Cotillard Gambit’- cast Marion Cotillard so far beyond her type that it becomes pretty jarring when she’s revealed to be a fucking lunatic.  She plays it so well that it half works here, but not for reasons I think Nolan was expecting- The way Talia Al Ghul is revealed is shocking even if you’re expecting it BUT she’s not conflicted about her position in all this at all, it’s strange.  She’s just a flat bad guy with a ‘I will avenge my Da’ motive. It was disappointing and really didn’t reach the mind fucking heights of Inception, where the Gambit was pulled off with incredible success.

I came here to make love and kick ass and we are ALL OUT OF CONDOMS.

She just isn’t as compelling here.  She does put in a good performance as I think she always does- she hits each note perfectly but I dearly wish she’d been given more to do.  The reveal should have come SO MUCH earlier.

I am Catwoman hear me ROAR

Keeping true to Christopher Nolan’s complete expulsion of any of the old campy elements of Batman, nobody ever refers to Selina Kyle within the Movie as ‘Catwoman’ and I say fuck that because Catwoman is awesome.  Other than that, she’s easily my favourite bit of the film and reminded me of something shocking- Anne Hathaway is actually a really decent actor.  I’d kind of forgotten that she was legit.  She’s funny and sassy and doesn’t over play the whole ‘femme fatale’ thing which is easily done.  Those Cat Ears on her mask that were actually goggles?  FUCK.  ING.  AWESOME.  Oh my god I smiled every time I saw them.  They even threw in some weak justification for her wearing ridiculous heels- I still thought it was stupid and impractical on a fundamental level but I’ll give them a B1 for at least making an effort.  She also didn’t even have an ironic ‘meow’ moment which annoyed me, but that’s just me being nit picky.

Broody McBrooderson

I don’t like Christian Bale and the next person who tells me to watch the Machinist is getting a slap.  I don’t like the guy, I’ve never liked his performance as Batman, so fuck him.  I don’t care what a genius he is, he’s a boring mother fucking Batman.  Which is fine, Batman is kind of dull in his movies, but I don’t think Christian Bale has the charm to pull him off.  The Nolan Bruce Wayne is a rich idiot, who plays up being a playboy asshole to misdirect from his Batscapades but I’ve never liked that.  I like the cool, suave Bruce from the animated series and I like Kevin Conroy making batman sound different to Bruce (He was the first actor to give a different voice to the two sides of the character) and he did it with a subtle touch that Bale throws out the fucking window.  I don’t care how ‘realistic’ it is, it’s a really laughably bad attempt at a big boy voice.  It kills the illusion for me.  In my head, Batman has a low, softly threatening voice that creeps in on you and freaks the shit out of anyone.  Not… that 20 fags a day nonsense Bale goes on with.

Hey Ladieeees.

One thing I fucking hated about Batman Begins and the Dark Knight was the complete lack of women.  I hated Katie Holme’s Token chick character and I mourned it even harder because Batman as a franchise had so many cool women to choose from.  Most of the reason I loved the animated series was because it was one of a few shows to have women around, yknow doing stuff.  Catwoman, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy- these were my GIRLS.  One of my favourite characters in all the Batverse is Commissioner Gordon the second- A grown up Barbra Gordon, post Batgirl career who’s now grudgingly tolerant of the new Batman in the series Batman beyond (which is the BOMB, by the way) She was kind of like a proto Lin Bei Fong- Tough, unyielding mature woman with balls of absolute steel. She was awesome and complex and it was all out said that she had an affair with Bruce Wayne in the past, and their relationship had severe strains and bitterness to the present day.  She was brilliant, and Batman was always LITTERED with women like her.

Barbra Gordon ain’t fucking around

I don’t want Christopher Nolan to be compromised on his artistic vision or anything- I’m glad his Batman films exist because they provide more substance to their subject matter than most other films in general let alone other comic book movies.  He kept that dark noir edge but really removed the cosy old timey romance from it, in much the same way Batman Beyond’s dark cyber punk noir setting set it apart from the tommy guns and fedoras of the older animated series.  I just… Wanted to see my favorites, like any selfish nerd does.  It began to piss me off when people presumed that Nolan had shed all the campy, irrelevant stuff from Batman to create THE DEFINITIVE version.  That annoyed me for a few reasons-

1- There is no definitive Batman

Everyone has their favourite; it doesn’t matter to me which is the best made or the most true to the original, what matters to me is which I enjoy the best.  For me, that would be the Animated series canon.  I appreciate the Nolan Batmans but I don’t think taking his interpretation as gospel or definitive is helpful.  Half the fun of comic book characters in general is seeing them interpreted by different writers.  Alan Moore shot Babs through the SPINE and crippled her, but then someone else got pissed and turned her into Oracle, the badass wheelchair using tech expert.  is there any other medium where you can mold the story like that?  Rachael Dawes got stuffed in the fridge in Dark Knight to motivate her two MEN, and is she ever coming back?  Did you even remember her name?  No, because FUCK THAT PLOT POINT.  Point being; definitive versions of comic book characters are silly because comic books should always have a transience to their characters.

2- Nolan didn’t just cut out the irrelevant stuff

I know he couldn’t fit in everything but for god’s sake, the things some people think aren’t any use now because he didn’t.  I said to somebody once my whole point about my ladies from the animated series and they just went ‘well yeah but Poison Ivy sucked.’ When did Poison Ivy go out of style?  Was it when she was in Batman Forever?  Because let me tell you, Uma Thurman is the BEST PART of that shitty movie.

Just look at that shred of dignity she maintains while in that suit. She’s the Bride, BITCH.

I mean Batman Forever sucked but credit where credit is due, Thurman looked and sounded like she was having the absolute bant making it.  She says ‘CURSES!’ when she’s caught! Come on!  People write her off as one note and gimmicky but she can be given a great deal of complexity in the right hands, particularly when she’s in anything with Harley Quinn.  And for the record, I like some of the sillier campier comic booky elements of Batman.  I like some of the goofy villains and the depth they can be portrayed with.

Final Thoughts

Catwoman was brillo pads and I want those cheeky cats goggles

Marion Cotilard is a stone cold badass

I don’t get the attraction to Tom Hardy

I want Christian Bale’s creepy voice to leave me ALONE AT NIGHT.

The effects were decent.

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Niamh ‘Why didn’t Harvey dent kidnap BARBRA at the end of the Dark Knight’ Keoghan

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